Style Tips for a Fashionable Fall

So, it’s fall, and you’re all, like, “I need to be real stylish.”  Don’t worry.  I’m here for you with some fresh tips to keep you at the top of your style game for this fall that will carry over into the winter.

Carefully Disheveled

“What is this ‘carefully disheveled’ business?” you ask.  Well, it’s the hot new look I’ve been developing for many, many years.  Sure you want to look nice, but you don’t want to look too nice.  You also don’t want to be such a mess that you might have inspired a “You look like

It took me ten years to
develop this look.

Joe Shit, the Rag Man” comment from one of my basic training drill sergeants.

Is that not clear enough? Just don’t look too heveled or kempt or ruly.  Be meticulous about looking ruffled. Fuckin’-A!  Just look at the picture.

And this isn’t just a fall look.  You can painstakingly rumple yourself any time of year.  But back to the fall. . .

Sweater Vests

There’s nothing like sweater vests to add that extra bit of swag to your look.  Go with a nice

Classic Ted Perrin.

solid or a subtle pattern.  An added bonus during cooling fall and cold winter months is the extra layer of warmth around your core that will stave off the throes of death if you become stranded in the wilderness.  You’ll be warm and sexy as hell.  

A cool tie always looks great with your sweater vests as well, and if you've been lost in that wilderness for a significant amount of time, you can use the tie to stylishly hang yourself! (Talk about form and function!)

I’ll often go fully-sweatered, too.  This is still rather stylish, and full sweaters can even be awesome, but they do not approach the absurd levels of awesomeness and style that a sweater vest maintains.

And what should you wear under your sweater vest?  A cool shirt, of course. The same goes for those days when you wish to be fully-sweatered.  Careful dishevelment goes well with both sweater vests and full sweaters, even with a tie.

The man makes the sweater vest, but the sweater vest makes the outfit.

Cool Socks

That’s right.  Wear cool socks.  While some may wear “crazy socks” because it’s a fun way

These socks are
so cool!

to get a little extra color in a plain outfit, I just started wearing them because I’m tired of trying to match socks to my outfit when I wear jeans.  I mean, seriously, whose idea was it for socks to match an outfit, anyway?  I’m color blind, and it’s a genuine pain in the ass. Don't judge me!

I’m tired of wearing neutral socks.  So, I wear cool, colorful socks.  The more colorful they are, the more likely they are to coordinate with something else I’m wearing, so it’s a win-win.

Jeans

Yeah, wear jeans.  Jeans are the go anywhere, do anything garment.  You can wear them with a simple shirt or hoodie, or you can dress them up with a blazer.  If you really want to go all-out with the style, wear them with a sweater vest.  I’m rather fond of a dark rinse, but I’m not a Nazi about “crotch whiskers.”  I don’t care what Choo Choo says.  If jeans are subtly distressed, I’ll wear them as long as my ass looks good in them.

Which reminds me.  It’s a good idea to have a nice ass when you wear jeans, too, but a good pair of jeans can frame the ass nicely.  This hasn’t always been socially acceptable.  As Wilford Coddlington wrote in an 1874 edition of The Buzzfeed Bi-Weekly Tribune:

There now comes out of the West, a new type of pantaloons, wherein a man might find comfort and style as he works his day minding cattle on the range or as he might pan or prospect for gold in the Black Hills of the Dakota territories.  Such a man might

As it turns out, Levi's
still makes jeans.

also wear these new pantaloons, as sold by one Levi Strauss and Company, into town where he may find himself in establishments to dine and gamble and whore away his meagre earnings in the manner common to the low class immigrants and cads who are unfit for life in the great Eastern part of this American country. 

Now, according to reports, these men bring scandal into these very towns where they go to squander their money away, for many womenfolk of these Western Territories have noted how these pantaloons make a fine presentation of a man’s buttocks.  And while one can naturally expect that the common whores and disgusting bar-wenches of said territories will not have the decency to look away from any such man’s backside, it has also been reported that even good Christian ladies, who

Accessorize as you will.

have traveled westward to bring the word of God to the manifest territories under the control of our nation, cannot but gaze upon such behinds as are clad in these pantaloons. 

I daresay such garments ought to be banned, not only from such towns and cities in these Western Territories, but also from all parts of our country to the east of the Mississippi River, for men who labor in these eastern states ought need not the same degrees of comfort as the lowly scoundrel cattlemen and miners of the West.  And, indeed, our civilized ladies need not be exposed to such buttocks clad in these new Strauss pantaloons.

Well, times sure have changed.  Luckily for me, my ass and I were born at a time when I don’t have to be ashamed of ol’ glory back there.  So, sport some nice jeans and share nice views of your ass with your friends and other members of your community.

Cool Shoes

When you're carefully disheveled,
your shoes will show some wear.

There are many who swear by a sweet pair of kicks to complete an outfit.  I, myself am fond of nice oxford shoe to wear with jeans, and recently, I’ve become enamored of the chukka boot to complete an outfit. My closet is home to an embarrassing amount of such footwear, but I’m up for anything, as long as oxford shoes or chukka boots are appropriate gear for my adventures.

Cool Glasses

Cool spectacles are cool.

If you don’t need them, don’t worry.  There are a variety of things we can do that our moms always said would ruin our eyes — sitting too close to the TV, reading in the dark, masturbating (make sure you stop well short of blindness!).  Now get to work!

Whatever you do, don’t get a pair of nonprescription glasses.  That’s lame.  While glasses are an ideal accessory, you shouldn’t waste money on ones that don’t do anything for your vision.  Cool glasses are an amazing example of how form and function can intersect. Take advantage of that.

Facial Hair

If I had two mustaches, I would
be unstoppable.

Facial hair kicks so much ass.  Just cultivate it.  Have a cool mustache or a cool beard. Even a cool amount of stubble can be attractive. Take care of it.  And don’t forget, a cool mustache or beard pairs exceptionally well with cool glasses and a sweater vest and careful dishevelment.

So, this should keep you stylish for a few months.  Get to it.