I saw this thing on the internets yesterday. It sets a
truly high bar for political correctness. Here's the video. . .
Now I may not agree with Paul Ryan
that much, but I have to agree that he works hard, presumably not on any
productive legislation given the do nothing nature of recent Congresses. However, he does work hard. Between meeting with constituents, fellow
caucus members, and attending various committees on Capitol Hill, I’m sure his
schedule is rather hectic. I know he is a
dedicated family man who—famously—wants to spend as much time as possible with
his wife and kids in his home state of Wisconsin. Now, I’m not going to go down the paid family
leave road right now. This is going to
be a discussion of the lexicon and how it’s changing. I just want to state, for the record, that
Paul Ryan does work hard.
But he doesn’t work slave hard, and
that’s an important distinction. He’s
never had to dress in rags and sleep in a hovel or wear chains when casting
votes or be whipped when he’s gone against the party line. None of that.
Henceforth, “hard working” can only be applied to victims of American
slavery. “Diligent” is a good substitute,
and so is “productive.” You can say that
someone “does a lot of stuff” or that she “gets a lot done in a little bit of
time.” You can say that someone “achieves
a lot of things that his boss wanted him to get done” and that someone “did
some challenging things at the office on many occasions.” I guess the only
exception would be for the possible occasion when someone literally worked
slave hard, but we should be very careful when applying the label “hard working”
to someone.
And don’t let allegedly “more reasonable”
people say things like, “Wow, that is really stupid. It’s more than a bit absurd to use the
experience of African American slaves as the only reference point for something
as common as ‘hard work.’ People work
hard. Period. It doesn’t matter if we agree with them or
like what they do. Jobs look
different. Some are physical. Some are intellectually challenging. Some are highly stressful. The degree to which someone applies herself
to the work she does can stand on its own merits. If she accomplishes a great deal, then she’s
probably a hard worker. Saying that does
not, in any way, lessen the atrocity of our history of slavery, nor does it
impugn the work performed by African American slaves. “ Wow, that is some insensitive bullshit, man.
As for me, this clearly shows that
I’ve never worked hard in my life, and I’m not ashamed of that. I have done a lot of stuff in relatively
short periods of time on a number of occasions, not recently, of course, but on
a number of occasions.
And this reminds me of something
else. We shouldn’t use the word “whipped,”
either. And we should absolutely not
say “Cool Whip.” Whipping is definitely
not cool. From now on, call it “cream
dessert topping that has been stirred vigorously.” That sounds delicious, and it doesn’t invoke
any images of any violent act or any beatings of any kind.
And look, don’t get all “reasonable”
on me and say that “whip” has a variety of meanings and connotations or that one
of those meanings is to beat or stir vigorously. That doesn’t matter. It’s insensitive for Christ’s sake. Just click on this link to sign my petition
demanding that Cool Whip change its name to “Cool Cream Dessert Topping That
Has Been Stirred Vigorously.”
Well, you know what, “beating”
needs to go as well. I’ll let my use of
it in the last paragraph stand, but that’s it.
Cooking shows should stop using it, and sportscasters should absolutely
stop using it. When someone on ESPN says
that [insert team name here] beat the Jacksonville Jaguars, that doesn’t just
make Jacksonville fans sad. It could be
a trigger for anyone who’s experienced abuse.
I don’t want to trigger that.
Hell, as a kid I got in some
fights, and I was beaten up a few times.
When [insert team name here] beats the Charlotte Hornets, it’s not a
trigger for me, but what about the subsequently weaker kids that I happened to
beat up? And the even weaker kids that
those weaker kids beat up and on down the line?
There’s probably a trigger for someone in there somewhere. I feel bad about participating in the
downward cycle of beatings, and I want to make up for it.
Therefore, no longer use the term “beating.” Sportscasters must now say that [insert team name here] scored more points than the Detroit Lions. However, I will allow the use of it in
reference to masturbation. I mean “beating
off” just fits the activity so Goddamn well.
Look, language changes. Do you remember when shit that Geoffrey
Chaucer wrote made a lot of sense? Me
neither. I mean, what the fuck is this, “Whan
that Aprille, with hise shoures soote, The droghte of March hath perced to the
roote. . .” Nobody knows.
Yes, the language changes, and we
not only have an understanding of its tendency to change, we can have power
over. Me, I’m wielding that power,
man.
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